Every part of me aches but my brain, so yay.

I’ve started dog walking at my local Humane Society and it is awesome. Today I learned that pit bulls are not fans of snow whatsoever. It was really cute, because they’d be okay for a few minutes but then they’d be just straining to get back “home”. I wish humans were as awesome as dogs are.

I saw my therapist yesterday and we talked a lot about my bingeing. She suggested I start journaling whenever I feel like bingeing because I’ve been doing it for so long, I don’t even know why I do it anymore. Hopefully the journal will be a way to step back and think about things before I eat 238473928742 calories. I love blogging, and this is therapeutic also, but a written journal allows for a stream of consciousness that I just can’t do on a blog. I might be rambly or semi-incoherent at times on here, but in the back of my mind there’s always the knowledge that people might read this and I should try to at least use proper grammar and be semi-witty at least half of the time. She also wanted me to write about any “injustices” I felt were committed against me, which makes me feel like a thirteen year old girl but you know what? Clearly these little things bother me because I am, like, the Champion Stewer and Rumination Queen of the Midwest. I have a sash and everything.

So today was my first day with the journal, and it was actually pretty cathartic. I experienced an injustice and wrote about it and felt better. A friend of mine has a three strikes rule when it comes to friends; I seem to have a one strike rule with every human I encounter. If you slight me, I will remember it for eternity and never let it go. I will get tight lipped and hard eyed when I walk by you. And then I will get annoyed at myself for letting someone else have power over me to ruin my mood, when the truth is they probably have no clue any of this is even happening.

Right, I can’t really do stream of conscious thinking on here. Riiiiight.

My Diet: A really long ramble that can be summed up in one sentence.

So today I’m going to start to share the nuts and bolts of my weight loss plan. This is going to be just the basics; I’ll fill in the blanks as I go along.

Diet: Let me preface this by saying when I say “diet” I do not refer to some kind of weird restriction type thing. For me, this is a lifestyle change. “Diet” simply refers to the simple definition of this is how I eat. With that out of the way, I pretty much have no restrictions. I do go to classes at my HMO, where I have access to a registered dietitian, exercise science pro, and a therapist. If you can, I highly suggest meeting with a dietitian at least once. She set up a calorie goal for me (and keeps lowering it, le sigh) and is just incredibly critical to my success. Also, if you have access to the LEARN classes, I do recommend those as well. I’ve done Weight Watchers and I’ve found LEARN to be a lot more helpful. I absolutely believe in WW and it can be an awesome tool for many people, but I think it’s super important to find the program that works for you. Don’t be afraid to quit something if you’re not loving it, because this is something you need to do for the rest of your life, and if it’s not enjoyable or even tolerable you won’t keep with it. Keep in mind that when I say enjoyable that doesn’t equal easy. Weight loss is simple mathematically but can be pretty grueling emotionally.

Anyway, diet. I am not perfect. I don’t eat clean or vegan or anything like that. I have been both in the past but it just wasn’t sustainable for me and my life right now. I pretty much track calories and that’s it. I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to carbs or fat or anything other than calories and sodium right now. I rarely eat fruit; I just don’t like it. I love vegetables though. I eat above and beyond the recommended veggie servings a day, so I don’t feel bad for my lack of fruit. I do eat some in the summer though, when I can get it locally, and I love fall apples. I try to stay away from fast food. I avoid white rice, bread, sugar, etc. I rarely eat red meat, and when I do, it’s certified humane and grass-fed. I do eat chicken, but it’s also got to be certified humane, cage free, and vegetarian fed/grain-free. I won’t go into the animal cruelty debate because I’m far from perfect on that front either, but I also strongly believe that meat cultivated in a humane fashion, allowing the animals to live as naturally as possible, is healthier for you anyway.

I drink almond milk instead of cow milk (tastier and my stomach doesn’t love cow milk). Love cheese. I eat a lot of Morningstar Farms products, love the Grillers Prime and the buffalo “chicken” wings. I like Lean Cuisines for lunch. Yes, I know, packaged and bad for you and blargh but I like them, damnit. Maybe down the road I’ll try to eat cleaner but for now, this is good for me.

Long story short: I track calories. I try not to go over my goal. I allow myself to eat pretty much whatever I want as long as it stays under that goal.

Later I’ll talk about workouts and apps and my weight and goals and all that. This wasn’t very funny or witty because I’m still waking up even though I’ve been up for two hours. It’s still snowing like crazy here, in the past 24 hours we’ve gotten over nine inches so far with lots more on the way, and I have to run errands and I’m not excited about driving in this, but oh well. Wish me luck!!

Sciatica: making thirty somethings walk like they’re 122 years old since 1742.

Falling on ice is a pain in the ass. That’s a hilarious joke, see, because I believe it prompted a recurrence of my friend and yours, sciatica! *wild audience clapping*

Ten years ago or so, I was at the gym using a recumbent bike and I felt some pain in my left side. Pedal through it, you little wuss I told myself, so I did. Except that unfortunately whatever position I was in was the perfect storm of muscle and nerve and discs that it led to sciatica, which in layman’s terms means you have a lot of pain in one side of your butt that radiates all the way down your leg. This time is not as bad as that time, where my leg felt like a rubber band that was stretched about ten thousand feet too tight. This time it’s just maybe ten feet too tight, so I have a lot of room to grow.

My theory completely not based in science or medicine is that once you get sciatica, it’s like riding a bike for your body — it’s that much easier to slip back into the habit. A few weeks ago I fell on the ice, and ever since I’ve been having progressive pain — a little worse every day. So far it really only hurts in the morning or when I’m in a seated position, so right now I’m sitting at an angle to relieve the pressure off my ass. Not awkward at all.

I really haven’t done anything to help myself though, and I don’t want to go on steroids again, so I think it’s probably time I start doing some stretching and hot baths. My gym has a hot tub that I’m going to take full advantage of, once this blizzard is over (side note: WE’RE HAVING A BLIZZARD OMG SO EXCITED). I’ve just started exercising again this week, so far just walking and some strength training, and as long as I don’t feel any pain I’m going to keep that up. I think I’m more sore today because I walked shelter dogs for ninety minutes last night and they’re understandably very pumped to be outside, so instead of a walk it ends up being more of a lurching run.

Anyway! Sorry for no blog the past few days, I’m sure you all missed me tremendously. I missed writing, that’s for sure, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays I don’t get home til late o’clock and I shower and eat dinner and crash, generally. Hopefully working out will give me some extra energy though!

My personal war on debt begins today

So, part of the reason I was so excited to start up a blog again was so that I could be held more accountable for my debt, and the reduction thereof. As if the fact that I am seriously in debt is not enough to keep me accountable… well sadly, so far, it hasn’t been.

I installed a widget over there on the left. See that never-ending list of numbers? YEP. That’s my debt. It took me a long time to get all of the balances. A long, horrifying time during which my lower jaw fell steadily farther towards the ground, as I’m sure yours is doing right now as well. Holy shit. This isn’t the first time I’ve added it all up, or made a list. It’s just the first time in awhile. Something about making it public makes it more real, I guess?

I make a good wage. I won’t go into my work at all, ever, but I am solidly middle class. I should have a house and a car that is not a 2002 Honda Civic, but I don’t. I rent an apartment and I have a 2002 Honda Civic. That I’m still paying on, if you look closely (although not for long). This has got to stop.

Honestly, it’s very, very embarrassing. I would never tell anyone I actually know about this. Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? I’m like Lily with the box full of credit cards. Most I’ve already shredded, but there are a few I keep around just in case. Anytime there’s something wrong, some kind of financial emergency — veterinary bills, car breaks down — I am filled with sheer terror and panic. To the point where, even after the emergency is resolved, I feel shattered and useless and empty for weeks. Clearly, this isn’t healthy.

I’m going to be following Dave Ramsey’s snowball plan, first step being establishing an emergency fund. I’ll be using my federal tax refund to set that up in the next few weeks, so that’ll give me some breathing room. He specifies that car repairs and veterinary bills are not actually emergencies, but items you should budget for. I do have an account with ING and love that you can set up multiple savings accounts under one main account. I plan on setting up a vet fund, car repair fund, car insurance fund, and a vacation fund. I won’t be adding much to these, maybe even $5 biweekly, but at least it’ll be a start.

I also need to set up a budget. Because I have so many monthly bills, I think the only way I’ll really keep up with it is if I set an amount I will add monthly to the snowball — say $100 — and add that to the lowest balance account, etc etc. What I have left after paying my bills each check will be divided up into various categories/envelopes. I know, this is pretty crappy budgeting but until I get the amount of accounts I have down it’s just too overwhelming to do right now.

So there it is. My massive debt. I shop when I’m upset or anxious or sad. I’ll get in my head that I need something, and I will do whatever it takes to get it. (Lucky I don’t care about drugs, I suppose!) I’m hoping my bipolar meds will help by stabilizing my moods so I don’t feel the need to kill my emotions by shopping, but a lot of it will simply come down to having some damned willpower, because that list over there on the left? That’s completely unnecessary, and it’s about time I get rid of it.

 

Apathy is the worst (until something else is)

If you were to ask me on any given day what the worst thing about having bipolar is, I’d probably have a thousand different answers depending on the day. Today, it’s apathy. Just about all I can summon energy for is complaining about how blah I feel. It’s not the lethargy of depression, it’s somewhere in between, like a purgatory for emotions. Yesterday I was probably a bit hypomanic, and it would have been nice to continue on that streak, brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true mania. I guess if I had, I’d have bipolar 1. I don’t do anything incredibly, life threateningly dangerous while hypomanic. Really the only negative side effects of hypomania that I’ve personally experienced are rapid speech and racing thoughts, but neither have been so bad that I couldn’t tolerate it. I tend to do more destructive things while depressed — and by that I mean binge eating and racking up credit card debt.

Anyway. Yesterday was great, because I got a lot of errands done and I stayed pretty busy and I registered a little over 22,000 steps on my FitBit. So why am I so blah today?

I really shouldn’t complain, because I’m nowhere near depressed, and I don’t feel like I’m heading that way either. I know “normal” people have days where they just want to cuddle on the couch with their cats having a Disappeared marathon on Netflix. Sometimes I feel like I’m weaker than them because I cave in to those desires. My therapist has told me that when I’m depressed, I need to go through the motions. Not call in sick to work, shower, take out the trash, do laundry, all the everyday chores that are so easy when you’re stable and so insurmountable when you’re depressed. I know it’s good advice for days like today as well. I just can’t help but think how easy it must be to give advice like that when you don’t go to bed each night hoping that you don’t wake up in a depression again.

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with all this, but that’s okay — I started this blog as a therapeutic outlet and hey, it’s working! I also take comfort in the fact that I know I’m doing everything I can to stabilize my moods. I started taking Lamictal about a month ago. I’ve been slowly titrating (increasing my dose) and right now I’m at 125mg. For the past month the only effect I’ve noticed is I’ve had a lot more headaches than usual. Recently, as in the past week, I’ve started to feel a bit more stable though, or leaning slightly more towards hypomania than depression. I’d be good with that! When I’m full blown hypomanic I get really irritable and, well, mean. But when I’m kind of hypomanic I’m pretty friendly and best of all, efficient. I go up to 150mg on Thursday and stay at that for a month, so we shall see.

Hm, this has been therapeutic. I feel better. I’m not quite up to conquering the world, but I’m not going to eat the entire contents of my fridge and watch fourteen hours of television, either. Hooray for small victories!

CCK’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Mug Cake

Photo by Chocolate Covered Katie.

Photo by Chocolate Covered Katie.

Tonight I had a bit of a sweet tooth, and when I did grocery shopping I’d bought the ingredients for what sounded like a pretty glorious concoction: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake in a Mug, single serving style, by Chocolate Covered Katie. I’ve been a fan of Katie’s for a very long time now, particularly of her single serving desserts. Healthy doesn’t necessarily mean low calorie, and my willpower is not the greatest, so having an entire cake would be pretty disastrous.

There are quite a few ingredients for this cake but it’s still pretty easy and quick to whip together. Maybe five minutes at the most? At around 160 calories, give or take, it’s certainly not “light”, so is it worth it? Hmm?

Oh. My. God.

Yes. It’s worth it. If you have extra calories to spare you could add a little Redi Whip or Tru Whip, but honestly it’s delicious on its own.

Tip: Powdered peanut butter can be tricky to find. I buy PB2 on Amazon in the big 16 ounce bags. It tastes absolutely amazing with chocolate protein powder as well.

Check out the recipe here: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake in a Mug

Fitspo: Choices in Life

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An awkward introduction.

Hi. I’m Adrianne, and this is my quiet mind. Except that it’s not. Not even close.

I’m thirty-three years young. I’m female. This is my real name, but I’m not including my last name in the hopes that it’ll be a bit more difficult for Real Life People to find me. I’m not embarrassed exactly, but there are certain things I’d rather the world at large not know about me. Privacy is awesome.

I live in Michigan. I love it. Even when it’s so cold outside that the roads are snow and ice covered because the salt doesn’t work and there’s cars in the ditch everywhere you go, like today.

I love cats, reading, watching true crime documentary series on Netflix, and naps.

I’m too sarcastic, socially awkward, overweight, and I have bipolar 2. So clearly I have a lot going for me.

This blog is going to have a lot of rambling on a lot of different topics, generally relating somehow to the four qualities/afflictions/traits I just mentioned. I’m losing weight (60lbs down so far!), getting out of debt (no accomplishments there so far!), and my journey through the glorious world of medication (nice to meet you, Lamictal). If you’re a fan of that type of writing, you have found the right blog.

I’ll make a proper “about me” section at some point, but those things are so hard to write! Which, in retrospect, sounds a bit fishy since bloggers typically write about themselves. A lot.

So, anyhow, nice to meet you and please come back soon! I plan on blogging five days a week, Monday through Friday, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be posts on the weekend as well. Thanks for visiting!

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